


Visions of Bodie and Doyle: the not-in-love, love story.

by shooting2kill



Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 09:57:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10784535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shooting2kill/pseuds/shooting2kill





	Visions of Bodie and Doyle: the not-in-love, love story.

| _While Doyle was intent on a bike magazine, Bodie was just as intent - on him. The bigger, darker man sat at the same table his hands cradling a cup, his expression brooding, his blue eyes fixed on his partner. Devouring him, Murphy thought, hiding a grin. Gobbling Ray down, feature by feature. But there was an expression on Bodie's finely sculptured face that was not lustful in the slightest. Sad? Murphy wondered. Or resentful? It was hard to tell with Bodie; he hid everything with almost as much skill as Ray. Ray would disguise what he was feeling - hurt would be hidden behind anger, grief behind grumbling, childlike enthusiasm behind cynicism. No, Bodie attacked the problem in a different way; he pulled his expression straight, like a mask, and kept it that way... People who did not know him were irritated by it; those who did were worried. It meant he was hiding something, and one day soon there would be an explosion of unleashed anger. So he was jealous and resentful, Murphy concluded; not surprising. No one would lose a lover like Ray Doyle without a pang of envy and a thrill of fury...So Bodie was smouldering about his loss. As yet he had not made his move, but from the look on 3.7's face, Murphy had the strongest impression that he would, before long...[ Coming Home:Kathy Keegan ](http://www.thecircuitarchive.com/tca/archive/5/cominghome.html)_  
---|---  
|  _An aching gnawed at Bodie; he longed to reach out to Ray, to wipe away all the pain that was consuming him... What if this whole ordeal sends him away from me? What if he withdraws? Please don't leave me, Ray, he thought. Please don't go away without me... No, he won't leave me, Bodie thought, calmed. He won't leave me because we belong together. I know this, I just know this... Bodie had felt, more than seen, the changes, as Doyle pushed Gillian to open up and let him into her life. It was something he recognized from his own past with Ray, the slow wearing down of the walls and screens he hid himself with. This mature openness, this strength of love that had grown in Doyle the past few years had, of course, only served to draw Bodie further and further into love with Ray. Always the silent watcher, wondering if he would ever grow enough to be worthy of Ray's love.[ Aftermath](http://www.thecircuitarchive.com/tca/archive/3/aftermath.html)_  
|  _There was something different about this morning. It reminded him of that poster, the one about today being the first day of the rest of your life. If he wanted it, this could be home. This could be the kitchen he cooked breakfast in for the rest of his life. It was an unsettling thought. He looked around. It was large and modern, and it wouldn't take much at all for him to think of it as his. His kitchen, his house._  
_His Bodie?  
Was the price too high? Bodie had said that he was willing to take as much as Doyle could offer, that if friendship was all that there would be, he could be content content. Was it so? Could he have a home, and Bodie, without having to ... put out?_  
_[A Different Game:DVS](http://hatstand.slashcity.net/dvs/diffgame1.html)_  
|  _Bodie swallowed, finding it suddenly difficult to breathe, to think, to do anything but feel like a donation to science, spread out, cut open, completely exposed._  
_"You love me, don’t you?”_  
_Eviscerated. The heart cut out from him and presented on a bloody silver platter. Bodie couldn’t look at Ray—couldn’t not look, knew he’d given himself away by the extremes of his reaction._  
_More intent than ever, Doyle leaned forward...stare fixed on Bodie._  
_“You love me. And not just all-mates-together either, is it, Bodie?”_  
_Bodie looked then, transfixed, body caught in fight-or-flight. Wanting to kill Doyle for saying it, because if no-one ever said it, then it might not be true. If no-one ever said it, then it could be ignored, called something else, lied about. He could strangle Doyle for speaking the unspeakable, or he could simply run away and never stop running. Fight, or flight._  
_[ If I Fell:Edi N.Burgh (M Fae Glasgow)](http://www.thecircuitarchive.com/tca/archive/10/ifi.pdf)_  
| _This whole situation was getting out of hand, fast. He could deal with kissing the man in pubs and trying to attract the wrong kind of attention, but to actually spend real time with Doyle, to get to know him, could prove distinctly dangerous. But his instinct told him Doyle was right in this approach to the case. This was the way to find the person doing the killings. Unfortunately, Doyle was too close to someone he could fall for, someone who could really mean something to him. Those cat-like eyes, murky green and tilted a little off balance did things to his equilibrium... Get a grip, he told himself. But Doyle was a feast for the senses. Delicious did not even begin to describe him. Bodie knew that given half a chance he could make a meal of that lush body for days. And that mouth... The attraction by itself was bad enough, but he sensed Doyle's awakening response to him and he feared that most of all. Doyle would want to explore it. Bodie knew it. Could tell from Doyle's tenacious nature that he'd want to make love. Not just have sex, not just get each other off, but make love. And Bodie could not do that. If he were to touch Doyle like that there would be no hope of him surviving this operation with his heart intact.[ The Path Not Taken:Meridian](http://www.thecircuitarchive.com/tca/archive/11/thepath.html)_  
|  _"I need you, Bodie."_  
_Bodie nodded, sneering. "Well, I want you, Doyle, there's the difference. That's what all your theories and understanding have failed to make clear to you."_  
_"Shut up, you bastard, and listen to me!" Doyle interrupted. "I--"_  
_"And I'm not going to bloody well make love to a martyr so just you shut the fuck up!"_  
_"Love?"_  
_Bodie clamped his mouth shut, cursing himself..._  
_"Complex thing, love," Doyle commented. "Reckoned that was at the root of it. Never thought you'd say it, though."_  
_"No," Bodie denied hotly, desperately. "For Christ's sake, how can you think that love had anything to do with what--with what I did to you?"_  
_[Adrenaline:PFL](http://archiveofourown.org/works/468204)_  
|  _The images which sometimes slipped from the box he had later built in his brain were full of Doyle, always Doyle. He found it hard to remember these images, but sometimes, late at night or very early in the morning--when his attention shuddered and his mind wandered--they would come, unbidden. Of Doyle, shifting himself suddenly to lie on top of Bodie; of his hard, bony hips pressing down into his belly; of grabbing endless handfuls of curls and holding on; of the feel of his tongue crashing against another; of trouser buttons being ripped open and wonderfully quick hands wrapping confidently round him; of the smell of victory and shame mingling with his aftershave; of forest-green eyes cautiously watching him from underneath a sweaty, mussed fringe; of running, running and not stopping. But Bodie always swallowed these images down again, and wilfully refused to think about anything at all. Nothing had happened. Nothing. That sick, scared feeling filling his chest was absolutely nothing at all.[ Getting to Like You:Ailcia](http://www.thecircuitarchive.com/tca/archive/21/gettingto.html)_  
|  _“...I wanna tell you something. When I think about it—you want to know something, Bodie? No-one’s ever loved me. What do I do wrong?” Steeped in his own misery, a parade of people who had failed to love him stretching back as far as his mother and sisters, he took a while to realise that Bodie had left him. He opened his eyes to see Bodie standing.. back turned to Doyle.._  
_“Bodie—?”_  
_Bodie said without turning: “You’re a selfish bloody bastard at times, aren’t you?”_  
_“What?” Doyle said. His eyes and his nose and his throat were blocked with tears. He dragged his sleeve over his eyes and sniffed._  
_“Look, I’ve got feelings too, you know. Though sometimes I wondered if you ever knew that…”_  
_“What are you on about?” The change of pace had left him utterly confused._  
_“Obviously I wasn’t in her class. But didn’t I count?”_  
_“Count what?” He felt dizzy now, befuddled.._.  
_"Didn’t I count at all? I loved you.”_  
_Doyle’s heart began to pound unexpectedly, turning over sickly in his chest..._  
_“I never knew..”[ Wonderful Tonight:Sebastian ](http://www.zeropanic.net/fanfic/sebastian/pros/html/Sebastian%20-%20Wonderful%20Tonight%20I.htm) _  
|  _The sky was a deep, navy blue. Somewhere nearby a bird called, sleepy and homey-sounding. Bodie regarded the countryside with a satisfied air._  
_“Bodie,” said Doyle, sounding almost agonised._  
_“What, mate?” Bodie turned immediately to his friend. “What’s the matter?”_  
_“Are you happy? I’m making you miss so much work, and—”_  
_“Happy? ‘Course I’m happy. You didn’t make me miss anything.” He walked backwards in front of the frowning, worried-looking Doyle. Who didn’t look convinced._  
_How could he tell Doyle what he meant exactly, without sounding soppy or too cheerful or false? “I’m glad to be here with you. It’s a nice holiday. Look around you...”_  
_Doyle’s mouth twitched up on one side in a grimace. He still looked worried. “Playing babysitter, you mean.”_  
_“Hey, mate, I volunteered..."_  
_[Remembering Bodie:hutchynstarsk ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/296462) _  
|  _“Aw, shut up. Have to get the last word in, don’t you?”_  
_This time, Doyle didn’t say anything at all._  
_And he didn’t so much as glance in Bodie’s direction once the rest of the trip._  
_The slap and the ugly words hung in the air between them, and Bodie wondered if he’d ever be brave enough to say how sorry he was. And if he wasn’t, whether time would heal these wounds, these confusing wounds between the two of them._  
_He wanted to reach out and touch again, to say with his fingers that he hadn’t meant it, to stroke the soft, sensual curls, this time lovingly. But he knew anything he did now would be interpreted as insult, would probably get him the blow he so rightfully deserved after that..._  
_And his partner drove fast and competent, while so very, very silent and untouchable._  
_[Untouchable:AnxiousAlien](http://teaandswissroll.livejournal.com/330314.html) _  
|  _Damned if he was gonna let Doyle keep throwing this in his face. He'd done what Doyle asked, what he'd made Bodie promise. He'd toed the line Doyle had drawn. Hadn't said anything, hadn't done anything, hadn't touched him so much as to even pass a cup of tea, even though it killed him, even if every day he felt like these feelings inside him would choke him. "Say it, Doyle. I'm the one who—?"_  
_Doyle whirled around. "Who changed the rules in the middle of the fucking game, that's what! One minute I can't keep track of all the birds you're stringing along and the next minute you're telling me—" He faltered. "You're telling me—"_  
_Bodie's laugh was grim. "You can't even say it, can you? What are you afraid of?" He took a step closer. "That it's contagious? Afraid you might catch something if you keep hanging about with me?....Right. All rny fault, is it?"_  
_"I didn't say—"_  
_"No, no, you're right, Doyle." The anger felt good after weeks of stuffing it down, hot and bright and heady. "Not your fault. You're not interested, mate. Made that all perfectly clear, you did. 'Not a fucking pervert,' you said. I did get that right, didn't I? Ray Doyle's not a fucking queer..."[ The Rules of Engagement:Aerye ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/748407?view_adult=true)_  
|  _"Ah, c'mon, now, Bodie," he said impatiently. "Don't make such heavy weather of it."_  
_"You said --"_  
_Like a marriage, Doyle had said._  
_"Yeah, I know what I said. I'm plannin' on sticking to it. But I didn't mean we had to deprive ourselves of female company for the rest of our lives."_  
_"Didn't you," Bodie said at last..._  
_"Look, Bodie. Fuckin' them -- do you think that would mean anything? They want us to take 'em home, pass an hour or so in bed, and all I'm tryin' to say is that we've got a choice. Whether we do or not, them or anyone else, it won't make any difference to us. To you an' me...I'm just trying to give us more -- freedom," he said, and the moment he'd said it he knew what he'd done..._  
_"You want freedom, sweetheart," he said savagely, "it's yours."_  
_[ Catharsis:Sebastian](http://www.zeropanic.net/fanfic/sebastian/pros/html/Sebastian%20-%20Catharsis.htm) _  
|  _"I didn't hear any complaints. Had yourself a good time, didn't you?"_  
_"Yeh. It's just..."_  
_Doyle sighed. Time to put things back on an even keel. "You're not gay, Bodie. You're going to go home today, track down that redhead of yours, and fuck her senseless. And tomorrow you'll do it again."_  
_"Because I'm not gay," said Bodie, visibly cheered._  
_"Right," said Doyle, ignoring the irrational twinge of disappointment in his stomach._  
_However, his dissatisfaction was short-lived, because Bodie once more proved that the universe is made up of unshakeable constants by saying the most unexpected thing possible at that moment._  
_"And so long as we're both clear on that," said Bodie. "We can do this again, sometime, right?"_  
_[ The Natural Order of Things:Rebelcat ](http://hatstand.slashcity.net/rebel/natural.html) _  
|  _"You know..." Rebecca said, twining her arm through Doyle's, "one of these days you might consider telling him how you feel about him."_  
_Doyle tore his attention off the trio now making their way to the refreshments and looked down at his sister. "What?"_  
_Rebecca rolled her eyes, then leaned in closer. "Oh, stop pretending to be daft. I'm talking about Bodie and your feelings for him. And when you might possibly ever decide to tell him how you feel."_  
_"He's my best mate, Becs. He already knows."_  
_"That's not what I mean, and you know it. Ray..." Rebecca lowered her voice. "Have you considered just telling him you're in love with him?"_  
_A blind-sided punch couldn't have caught him more unaware. "Becs... I... I'm not-"_  
_"Hey, it's me remember?...I may be your baby sister, but I do have eyes. And I probably know you better than anyone else. I see the way you look at Bodie when he's unaware... with this raw longing on your face..."_  
_[ Something More:Ankaree ](http://ankaree.livejournal.com/51477.html) _  
|  _Doyle moved forward to kiss him, but Bodie held him off with one hand._  
_“No,” he said. “You don’t have to now.”_  
_Doyle shrugged. “I was hoping to see you tonight.....”_  
_“You don’t need to do it, now,” said Bodie._  
_“Suppose I want to?”_  
_“Why do you want a man you hate?”_  
_“Don’t hate you. Not now.”_  
_“Do you love me?”_  
_Doyle couldn’t answer._  
_“I don’t want your tolerance,” said Bodie. “Come back when you love me. I’m tired of half measures.”_  
_Doyle looked at him sharply, shock. “Bloody hell - you’re cutting me off!”_  
_“...We aren’t lovers, Doyle. We’re colleagues now."_  
_[Rule Brittania:Fajrdrako (Elizabeth Holden)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/828624?view_adult=true) _  
|  _Doyle tried to josh Bodie into a better mood._  
_“Well that’s another man lost to all female society.”_  
_Doyle had been dating a pretty blonde now for several months. Even Cowley had had her checked out. The signs were good._  
_“Come on, Bodie. Don’t be so glum. There’s someone out there just waiting to make an honest man out of you.”_  
_Bodie finally turned to his partner. “There is,” he murmured enigmatically. Doyle looked surprised…_  
_There was a strained silence._  
_“All right Bodie, you’ve got me. Who is she – what I don’t know about?”_  
_“For a copper, you rate low in observation, Doyle.”_  
_[Blind Love:Sylvie Orp](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11535895/1/Blind-Love) _  
|  _"Bodie, we should talk about this."_  
_"I'm sorry, Ray..."_  
_"Yeah, I know," said Doyle, voice cracking as Bodie looked down at him, but he needed more. "But don't you think about us at all? Sometimes? Do you think about us sometimes?"_  
_"No, Ray." Staring at the floor Bodie shook his head before lifting it to look at Doyle again. "I don't think about us sometimes. It's all the time. I think about us all the time..."_  
_"Christ, Bodie, what the hell have we gotten ourselves into?"_  
_[ Sometimes: Livia Collins ](http://hatstand.slashcity.net/livia/sometimes.html) _  
| _I’ll be there,” he said breezily, waving as he pulled away from the kerb, shouting, “see you, mate!” over the crunch of the tyres.  
Oh, yeh, he wasn’t queer, stupid of him to even think it for a minute. Never been queer before, wasn’t likely to start just because he had a partner who reacted to danger the same way he did, now was he?  
So why did it stick in his mind, why did it make him rougher with Inge than he had to be, that memory of Ray Doyle, his partner, the man who had almost died for him, the man who kissed him, left standing there on the pavement, alone?  
[ Back Alley:L.A.Scotian (M Fae Glasgow) ](http://www.oblique-publications.net/archives/paeaniii/2_PtoPIIIBackAlley.pdf)_


End file.
